[ shakes his head. it's fine, it can be him specifically; he knows he sucks. ]

I definitely don't change, usually. When I'm home, I never become any better. It's not a time loop like what you were dealing with, but... certain things always sort of reset and aren't allowed to deviate too much in my world.

So it's like... I don't know, I was that version of myself a few times that one week, so it's not like the reasons behind the character development are a complete mystery. But I also feel like this version of me went through a lot more shit than that one did, and it just kind of pisses me off that I apparently came out worse for it.

It doesn't have to be a timeloop. Some people spend their whole lives trying to figure out how to grow and improve and put their life together, and they never ever manage. No amount of sitting there telling yourself you're going to change will make it a certainty that it happens.

[ god and that's a mood. she laughs kind of weakly. ]

Yeah. The memories from that week are blurry, but they're there. That Alex doesn't know what's ahead of her. And I remember being that stupid. I remember thinking I'd be different, and I'd be fine, and I'd keep it together so much better than anyone else.

But then I learned that I'd been wrong. And no one else did, or believes me.

[ winces... that's a hell of a cassandra situation. ]

God, that sucks. There's nothing you could tell them that would prove you'd already been through it and know what you're talking about, I guess... It's probably not as convenient as in the movies.

[ damn. he really hadn't realized she'd had to deal with all this. on top of losing her brother and everything too... it makes his own problems seem pretty pointless and stupid in comparison. (though he supposes that is part of the problem; pointless and stupid is what his whole life is written to be.) ]

It must have been really lonely.

The problem with telling people that you're in a timeloop is that they'll get really really stressed out about trying to fix the timeloop. But it's a waste of their time.

[ and she talks a big game about problems on a smaller scale than eternity being nothing, but—well. sometimes you are a liar. she feels like she can relate to the base of the problem, which is more than she gets from most people. she takes a drink, thinking about this... ]

Maybe. But it's lonelier outside of it.

In hell, you mean? Or...

Wherever.

Places are just containers for the stuff that happens there.

Mm.

[ he takes a small bite of his burger and chews in silence for a moment as he considers that. ]

...But sometimes the things that can happen are dependent on the place you're in. So I think it matters a little more than that.

True enough... Different things happened to you and—the other version of you, right? Even in a set up as similar as one of these games.

Yeah. I mean, you saw what a shithole the place we were stuck in was. No electricity and only one shower in the entire village. Which was haunted. That island where we made the soup was the only place we ever had that had minimally creepy vibes, and it disappeared after a week.

The spaceship where the other one was... was mostly fine, from what secondhand memories I have? [ aside from the flesh walls, but they didn't know that was a thing until late game. ] Had a nice bar and a food court and a place to get any clothes you wanted.

[ but he does also remember that the difference there was that the haunted house had always been full of lively people and felt like a home, while he was alone in a room on the spaceship after the first week. and everything happening in scawwy was at least going according to some sort of plan, while no one on the spaceship had any idea why people were dying. ]

Well, I'm a bad judge for that. I liked the creepy place. [ kind of joking, but this is true... ]

Still. It's like the difference between Heaven and Hell. One side gets all the easy comforts, uh, murder aside. But you were stuck in the dregs.

[ a bit of a laugh. ]

Yeah, well, touring it and living in it for eight weeks are very different experiences. That bathroom situation was dire.

But yeah, it's kind of like that.

[ actually a lot like that, heaven is less impressive than he was expecting. ]

And then home is something different altogether.

[ very mixed feelings because he loves his home more than he'd like to admit and he misses it but god is it ever holding him back. ]

[ that's so funny. she thinks heaven is so good? it has forests and a beach? hell just has grungy bars and lava. but she nods, because that's fair. a little tour is different from being trapped.

home, though... ]

Different how?

[ you should be able to have anything you want just poof right into your hand!!! and why can you get injured there?!

anyway. he takes a long drink before attempting to explain this one. ]

...We've lived in the same house our entire lives, with a lot of the same people in the neighborhood who look almost exactly the same now as they did then.

It's... living in a cartoon, basically.

[ which may or may not be a groundbreaking revelation at this point after the memshares and AUs. ]

And we can't change our characters too much or go through anything too serious that isn't the setup for a joke. Like, pretty much any crazy shit you can imagine can happen there, it just can't have any lasting impact that would make us veer too far out of character in the long run.

[ i'm not sure if she realizes that's literal or not. hell logic is insane and also has introduced her to the multiverse enough to understand that other worlds are also just insane. they follow their own logic, whether there's a tidy explanation for it or not. ]

Like the reset is always on the horizon. You have to get back to the status quo.

I get that. It's not exactly the same, but... Not being able to break character. Nothing changing.

[ well, whatever the reason, he is so grateful he doesn't have to explain that further. ]

Yeah. Exactly.

Being in these stupid games is like, the only time I'm not limited by that. The shit that happens here can actually affect who I am.

But then when I go home, it just, like... wears off over time? And even though I still remember everything I just kind of go back to my old self again because nothing matters anymore.

[ he is having less dramatic development this time around because shit here actually does not matter that much either... out of one form of entertainment and into another. ]

Some loops I make everyone hate me. [ stop lapsing into present tense. ] Like, just make the worst choices possible and say horrible things to everyone. Other times everything is perfect. Everyone is a best friend or—more.

And the reset still comes. And none of it carries over.

It makes sense to lose parts of yourself to that. Over time, the tide takes things away and there's no use fighting it.

[ ... ]

So. Do you think it's worth escaping those boundaries if it has to be an annoying place like this?

Well, I wouldn't say yes regardless of how I felt because this shit sucks and I refuse to give it any credit on principle.

But. I don't know. I mean, even there we've been gradually getting worse over the years, just in small enough increments that no one complains. So I can't even really say, like, "It would have been fine if only I'd never eaten the fruit from the tree of knowledge" or whatever.

[ that's fair. ]

Like incremental changes over time? Exaggerations that become the new default, then exaggerate again from there.

... Well. Personally, I get really annoyed when people hear about my life and immediately start offering advice I didn't ask for, like they think I'm too stupid to have considered whatever they thought up in two seconds. But I'm gonna do the same thing to you. [ self awareness does not make this less annoying, alex. ]

What about the items, here? You got one, right? From killing Yoru.

[ nods. ]

Yeah, that's definitely what I'm going to use it for. I'm just... still trying to figure out the right approach and how I need to phrase it to make sure it doesn’t get undone like everything else.

Right? It's probably like a monkey's paw, "be careful what you wish for" situation. If you don't think it through, it's gonna backfire.

So what have you got so far?